The Ridiculously Cynical Kingdom Hearts Fanfic
by Firefly99
Summary: Ever felt like you were reading the same fanfic a hundred times over? The same story, with the same old clichés and plotholes? Read this fic as I throw myself into these plotholes and attempt to climb out...


The Ridiculously Cynical Kingdom Hearts FF-Themed Fanfic

A.N. Basically, after browsing around the Kingdom Hearts fandom for a very long while trying to find pro-Cloud fics (of which there are very few) or better yet, CloudxYuffie fics (of which there are, like, NONE) I discovered most of the FF-centric ones locked themselves into a generic, repeating, and thoroughly infuriating pattern. And it's stuffed to the brim with plot holes.

Then you get the people who think they're being original and instead make a huge, huuuge plothole that no amount of Polyfilla (for use on Stories and Fanfictions – dries in MINUTES!) can fill.

Well. This fic is basically me throwing myself into the plotholes made by other people and attempting to climb out again. Come along and jeer at my futile efforts.

**WARNING!!!**

**No nastiness is meant to anyone else's fanfic. It's not like I haven't written these clichés in my time. And some people can write these plotholes well. Believe it or not. If you wanna flame, at least spell it correctly, please. Otherwise, I shall laugh. And no text speak, and NO 1337 hax0r, or I shall laugh even harder. (4t j00.)**

Oh, and one last thing. Fauntleroy really IS Donald Duck's middle name. You may also want to know that the demon from _Fantasia _is called Chernabog, and the wizard from the _Sorcerer's Apprentice_ in _Fantasia_ is called Yensid. (It's Disney spelt backwards.)

* * *

"Nuh-uh. No way. No WAY. Shut UP!! No…WAY!!" 

The young Keyblade master clutched the weapon closer to his chest as if in a desperate attempt to defend himself.

You can't defend yourself from words by such conventional means, but I'm going to stop talking in Zen because this is the first part of a fanfic and the point of that is to ENTICE your readers, not scare them off.

Aerith, the sweet flower girl with the green eyes that always looked warm and nice and kind and cuddly gave her copyrighted Tinkly Little Laugh©.

"You can't deny your heritage, Sora," she said, tilting her head to the side.

Sora was a fourteen-year-old, blessed with untameable brown hair and a slightly too naïve outlook on life. But right now he was equal parts confused and annoyed, and the world was going to feel his wrath. And god knew he had a big wrath.

Because he was the Chosen One™!!

OK, so he wasn't _technically _the Chosen One™, but he was the Chosen One™ by default, and that had to account for something.

Aerith, sensing how he felt, leaned forward slightly. Sora forced down his fourteen-year-old boy instinct, which was telling him to make a bad joke about Aerith's now visible cleavage, and tried to focus on her face.

"I know this must be hard for you, Sora, poppet," she began, interjecting herself with the Tinkly Little Laugh©, "but you really can't deny it. Doesn't it explain so much?"

Sora rammed the 'Blade tooth-end down into the floor, leaning on it. The floor of _Rin'c Pyn yht Knemm_, the latest restaurant to open in Traverse Town,was made from a kind of slightly-too-delicate wood. He felt it crunch as the 'Blade sunk in. A blond, goggled waiter came over briefly, and told him, in strangely-accented English, to 'not destroy the building that I care greatly for, please'.

Sora ignored him. Usually he would have obliged, being the mild-mannered young teen he was, but today he was too morbidly afraid.

He'd faced countless Heartless and kept the Light of Courage™ burning in his heart, but today he was getting freaked out by a little flower lady, and her (admittedly really scary, but still…) only somewhat imposing mercenary boyfriend.

The aforementioned only somewhat imposing mercenary boyfriend so far hadn't said much. All he'd done was stand around, feeling and looking a little awkward. Sora could identify.

"It doesn't explain ANYTHING!" Sora screeched. "It explains a few things, but it makes a whole lot more mysteries!! And besides, I don't trust you. Either of you. Because you're lying-"

"We wouldn't lie," Cloud said in his usual dry tone. "Not to you."

"You would," Sora snapped back, "and I know. Because you tried to KILL me, you spiky-headed…spiky-headed…" He sought around for a word that encompassed 'dishonest' and 'liar' and psychopath' and 'murderer' and 'untrustworthy' all at once, and failed.

"…spiky-headed…jerk," he finished, lamely.

The mercenary didn't respond, and flopped back down into the expensively varnished restaurant chair. He'd folded up his cloak on demand of Aerith, who'd told him to 'take that thing off, it hides your lovely face' and was now using it as a makeshift cushion. Judging by the intensely dangerous look in his eyes, he wanted to put it back on, right now. Or it could be that he wanted to kill Sora. Either was possible.

"Look. I didn't believe it at the time. When I met you, I instantly knew you were a – a whiny cry-baby, and you were so _weak_. I never imagined you to be like you are, kid. And when Aerith told me, I…"

The mercenary lowered his head as Aerith shot him a Look.

"Don't say that!" she yelled. "Don't call him weak! He's faced more than you have!"

"What? So he was experimented on for _six_ years, then?" Cloud responded sarcastically. "Spending five whole years in a cylinder, enduring so much agony, suddenly seems so easy compared to what that little runt of a kid had to go through. I suddenly feel _so_ bad." He gave a sarcastic eye-roll to ram home his point.

"CLOUD!!" Aerith roared. "You are going to be nice to your son right now!! You'd better develop some people skills, because you're a useless father and you should be ashamed of yourself!!"

That was the horrible horrible truth, according to Aerith.

Sora's parents were Aerith and Cloud.

I'll now give you a few seconds to ponder that fact.

Done? Good.

"You've gone mad," Sora snarled. "You can't be my parents. I was born on the Destiny Islands. So my mother and father are, like, not my real mother and father? And they never told me? Get real…"

"I'm afraid they aren't, Sora," Aerith said, kindly. At least one of Sora's might-be-but-can't-possibly-be-parents was nice. "Your adopted mother and father lived in Hollow Bastion with us before it was destroyed. It was too dangerous to go with you – Cloud had already been cast off into the darkness, and I needed to save you, Sora. So I gave you to my friend Edea and her husband Cid Kramer, and told them to take you somewhere safe in their Gummi ship."

"They should have taken one look at you and tossed ya into the void," Cloud snorted under his breath.

"Cloud!!" Aerith responded, then turned to Sora. "Don't be too upset. He's a little shocked at the time being. Besides," she added, leaning in conspiratorially, "he's jealous that I'm giving you all the attention."

"But…but…THIS MAKES NO SENSE!!"

The Keyblade master's outburst caused a bolt of raw light energy to flash from his fist and slam into the wall, reducing it to rubble and causing the waiter to approach them again, with a similar plea as to the first time. The diners didn't even seem to notice that the entire front face of the building had been smashed outwards, and continued eating with barely an upward glance.

Aerith and Cloud, however, looked up, shocked.

"You can't deny it, Sora!" Aerith repeated. "Look! You have endless blue eyes and wild hair, like your father…"

Cloud, who seemed to be using this as an opportunity to prove his complete and utter devotion to his wife, added, "Hair the colour of autumn leaves, like your mother…"

"Fair skin, like your father…"

"Bravery and courage, like your mother…"

"Impossible strength of body and mind, like your father…"

"So…um…uh…small, like your mother-"

"STOP!!" Sora wailed. "Now it's just gettin' silly! Just because I have blue hair and brown eyes-"

"-Brown hair and blue eyes," Cloud corrected quietly, not taking his eyes off the wine list.

"-whatever – does NOT instantly make me your kid!! I mean… my eyes aren't even the same shade as his!!" hollered Sora, jabbing a gloved finger towards Cloud. "My eyes are, like, a sort of dark bluey colour! His eyes are just plain creepy!!!"

"Sora, be nice to your father."

"It's TRUE!!"

"No, it isn't. He has…" Aerith sighed, gazing gently at Cloud's Stern Azure Orbs™, "the most beautiful pair of eyes ever…"

"So?"

"So; they aren't 'creepy'," Aerith said, snapping out of it pretty much instantly.

"OK. Well, you obviously have to be lying. I mean," Sora said, finally coming out with the most obvious argument, "you aren't old enough to be my parents!! I mean, I'm fourteen, and you're – what? Twenty-four at the most! So, do the calculation!! Twenty-four take away fourteen equals ten!! Ergo, you can't be my parents. I wasn't paying a lot of attention during my biology class, but I'm pretty sure that ten is too young to be having kids."

There was silence.

Aerith leant in towards Cloud.

"…Should we tell him?"

"Tell him what?"

"You know…" She waved her hand around, "…tell him about the thing."

"What thing?"

"Stop being so clueless! The thing!"

"The wing thing?"

"THE WING THING!"

"…Yeah. OK. You tell the kid."

Aerith took a deep breath, and turned towards Sora.

"OK…well, the thing is…we, uh, look a little young for our real ages…"

* * *

"SPIKY-" 

_Froom._

"-HEADED-"

_Brazzz._

"PALOOKA!!"

_Froosh._

Donald Fauntleroy Duck, vile tempered magician and part-time aquatic fowl, was in a bit of a mood.

No. He was in an absolute, full-out, steaming-hot RAGE.

"Um….Donald…_ahyuhk…_"

"WHAT!!!??" quacked the duck, spinning to face the tall, lanky dog that had just interjected.

"…You really didn' 'ave to set fire to that poor young lady, now… didja? …_ahyuhk._"

"YES," Donald snorted through clenched beak.

"Well…" his easy-going companion drawled, "you coulda apologised."

Donald chose to ignore him.

"And tha' poor little rabbit weren't harmin' anyone…_ahyuhk…_"

Donald groaned as best a duck can groan. It wasn't the best groan in the world, but it did its job.

"And those trees are planted for future gen'rations to enjoy, so why didja freeze 'em?"

Donald stamped his foot.

"BECAUSE!!!!"

The grounds of the Disney castle were, like most, if not all, of the Disney castle, beautiful in a sickly saccharine sort of way. Long hedgerows, bristling with leaves, were clipped into shapes of animals and people and anthropomorphic brooms, self-portraits of the King's own army of servants who kept the hedge in order as one of their many tasks. (They were alright as long as you didn't ask them to fetch and carry buckets of water.)

In fact, a sweep of brooms (is that the technical term for a group of brooms?) as well as some of the other servants were now swarming around the garden, because a very angry, temperamental and extremely stressed-out duck had been performing random snippets of Black Magery on the carefully pruned (and painted) white rose hedges, as well as the gravity-defying topiary and the poison apple trees. A whole plethora of assorted mice in brightly-coloured hats and shirts were already swarming around a tree that had been struck by a well-aimed Thundaga, belting out a high-pitched, ridiculously catchy, and impossibly annoying song that went along the lines of, _'We're fixing up the garden, we're fixing up the tree, we're all really really happy but the happiest is me…'_

Donald fought with his desire to cast down a Blizzaga on the little rats, knowing that both the King and Goofy had a special and hitherto unexplained fondness for them and would never forgive him. The duck didn't have a lot of friends, but he valued them dearly.

Really.

"Well…" Goofy started, "you could at least tell me why you're in such a stress, _ahyuhk._"

"Whatever," moaned the duck. It was a phrase he'd picked up from Leon.

"Go ON, then. Ah'm list'nin'."

The dog-knight plonked himself down on the ridiculously green grass, stretching out his legs.

"…It's that guy with the weather name," Donald quacked.

"Which one, _ahyuhk_?" Goofy began to count off the people with weather-themed names on his fingers. There'rus Sora, Aerith, Squall, Cloud-"

"That's the one."

"Ahhh," drawled Goofy. "What 'appened, _ahyuhk_?"

"Well," Donald recounted, "the big spiky-headed palooka went up ta me."

"An'?"

"And he said -" Here Donald put on his best impression of the moody mercenary's voice, " '_you're the one who's in charge of looking after Sora?'_"

"…Is that all, _ahyuhk_?"

" 'Course not. So I said, 'yeah', and he goes up to Sora and says somethin'. And Sora said, 'Goodbye, Donald. I hope I'll see you again. But I don't think so…' And then they go."

"Ah don't under-ruh-stand ya, Donald. Why'd that make ya so angry?"

"…I told the kid that Cloud or whatever was bad news. But he still went along with him and abandoned ME!!"

"You'ruh lonely," Goofy said, kindly. "It's OK, Donald. Ya have me."

"Oh. You don't count. Sora was the best friend I've ever had, and now I'm not gonna see him ever again!!"

By now the duck was bawling.

"Whaddya mean I don't count, _ahyuhk_?" Goofy started, but Donald was already storming off back to the pink and purple gates of the Disney Castle. However, he was stopped by an anthropomorphic feather duster-woman.

"Excuse me?" the duster twittered. "Mr. Duck?"

A glare.

"YES?"

"I have a message from the head broom. He says he's going to call on a strike in three days time if you don't stop chopping up his friends. He says it's getting too hard to keep track of them all."

* * *

"I hate Cloud." 

_Thhhnk._

"I hate Cloud."

_Thhhnk._

"I hate you, Cloud!"

_Thhhnk._

"AWESOME! I got his eye! Twenty points! BOO-YA!!"

Yuffie sat on her bed, throwing darts into a huge poster on the door. It was a low-res photograph of a certain spiky-haired mercenary, blown up to cover the entire surface. The walls were covered with photos of the same person – taken from programs for the Coliseum, Aerith's photo albums and, of course, some of Yuffie's drawings – the ones she'd made when he was asleep. Some of her ridiculously amateurish photography was also on the walls. (Her best one portrayed the bottom half of his head, his left shoulder, and about a third of his hand.)

It was true. Yuffie was a Sadly Obsessed Fangirl, and not a lot could change that.

At least that's what she used to think.

Sadly, it had all been torn to pieces by a certain flowerlady whose name Yuffie couldn't repeat because it made her want to go, 'grrr'.

It had turned out that Cloudy, God of Sex, had been MARRIED to Grrr for this whole time. Grrr was so, so lucky because she had pretty green eyes and a mysterious, beautiful face and a beautiful name. Grrr was such a beautiful name…much nicer than Yuffie. Rhymes with Goofy.

But she hated herself, because she still thought he was the hottest thing alive. And he had such cute eyes.

Yu-uu-uumy.

But no, Grrr got to him before she'd even MET him and it, in Yuffie's opinion, was really unfair!! She hated Cloudy, God of Sex for going with Grrr, and she hated Grrr for taking Cloudy, God of Sex away from Yuffie, who deserved him more than Grrr. After all, Grrr only hung around on street corners looking pretty and selling flowers. Yuffie actually did things, and she didn't need to look pretty, 'cause she was cool.

WHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHY did life suck so much?!

She drew her hand back to lob another dart in an attempt to beat her previous record of twenty points, but then stopped when Leon – still calling himself Leon despite his lack of a Heartless-Infested World™, possibly because the Powers That Be thought it sounded cooler than Squall - entered the room for a hitherto unexplained reason.

Then, for a hitherto unexplained reason, he began to speak in his sexy David Borenaz-y voice.

"…Is there anything wrong?" he asked, for no apparent reason.

"Seal your Keyhole, bleeptard," Yuffie snapped, considering throwing the dart at him. _Wonder how many points I'll get for hitting HIS eye._

"Bleeptard…" Leon repeated, a rare hint of amusement in his tone, as he looked at the walls and the door and the darts sticking out of them all and at Yuffie and at his feet and then at the door again.

"You're still strung up about Spike, aren't you?" Leon asked, not aware how out of character he was acting. Yuffie thought about it, but decided not to mention it. She rather liked Leon being nice – it was a new experience, but not a bad one.

"Yuh," Yuffie moaned, schlomping Ikea-advert-style on the bed. Leon sat beside her, not realising that he would normally barely listen to her answer, then look her straight in the eyes and say, 'Tough luck. Go spill to a wall or something if you want to talk about your problems. I'm going to bed.'

"He broke your heart, didn't he?" Leon said instead.

Yuffie wondered briefly what Aerith had been slipping in Leon's breakfast cereal.

"I guess so. 'Least Heartless don't like to eat broken hearts," Yuffie joked feebly. To be honest, New!Improved!Nice!Leon was starting to freak her out.

"Actually, a broken heart is just a heart with far too much darkness inside. The Heartless will be chasing you."

_He's gettin' better, but he still ain't Squally. What happened?_

"Oh. So I have a lot to look forward to in my future," Yuffie gurgled.

Leon looked at her with genuine concern. It wasn't a look that suited him.

_God. Soon he'll be bleaching his hair blond and takin' up Blitzball. And then there's no turnin' back. The boybandy niceness will fill him, and then – ooooaah…_

"What? Yuffie. You zoned out there."

"It's nothing," Yuffie lied.

"So. Don't worry. My heart has been broken too."

_AAAAAAAA!! The Great I-Don't-Care-About-You-One-Weensy-Bit Squally is now pouring out his life story to me!! Mr. I-Don't-Need-To-Tell-Anyone-Anything-Personal is actually talking to me!! Perhaps I should go and moodily tell him to talk to a wall like he did to me. That'll show him._

"Squally, go talk to a w-"

"That's Leon. Anyway, back in Hollow Bastion I met a beautiful girl named…Rinoa. We took to each other. And I fell in love that day…for the first time in my life…"

_Oh God. Here comes the Shakespearian soliloquy bit._

"O'er the darkness that consumes my heart her light presides still

Like the morning spreading the spring o'er the warmthless wintry land – "

"OK, OK. I get the picture. Does this story have a point? If so, could you get there, please?"

Leon paused.

"OK. When…the Heartless came to our world, she was lost in the depths of Time Compr – the Multiverse. She's…dead."

"Oh," said Yuffie, not knowing what to say. "What was she like?"

"She was funny and beautiful and always made me feel happy," said Leon, uncharacteristically slipping into a romantic fantasy. "She…looked a lot like you."

"Oh, I get it," hissed Yuffie. "You only like me 'cause I look like your dead girlfriend."

"Hey, looking like other peoples' ex-partners is the only way to get ahead in this crazy multiverse," Leon said, a hint of a smile in his voice (Yuffie was starting to think that whatever Aerith slipped into his breakfast cereal was pretty potent stuff). "Look at the Cloud-Aerith thing. The Lulu-Wakka-Tidus triangle. In fact, Rinoa only liked me at first because I was similar to her ex-boyfriend. "

"Ah. From what you're tellin' me, it sounds like for every person there's a flirty, dead clone."

"It's unlikely. I'm sure an intelligent young woman like you should be able to figure out that it's all an elaborate coincidence – "

"I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANY MORE!!!" Yuffie wailed, springing up from the bed. "I CAAAANN'T!!"

"Yu-"

Yuffie took a huge, panting gulp of air. "Right," she said, calming down somewhat. "So…why are you like this?"

"Why'm I like what?"

"Like THAT!! Squally – "

" – Leon – "

" – You're supposed to be mean and nasty! You don't give a damn 'bout anyone, because you're Squally!! You go 'whatever' a lot and have migraines and ignore people and when we try and tell you our problems you tell us to go talk it out with a brick wall, because you're Squally!! What is WRONG with you today?"

There was a silence.

"That's Leon," said Squall, but in a happy, teasing tone.

"SQUALL!"

Leon shook his head.

"OK…You see…Yuffie, I've…fallen for you."

If Yuffie could have done a Tex Avery style eye-popping/jaw-unhinging combo at that moment, she would have done.

"You've done…what?!"

Silence.

_Why's Squallyboy chosen NOW to act in character?_

"But…it's wrong. The love I have for you is wrong

As wrong as if the sundry blue depths of the ocean were in the air

And the air was five hundred leagues below the ocean.

Why was I cursed with the desire to love a child

And not a woman? Oh may the Lord reinspire

The darkest corner of my desire

And pull me far from't – "

Yuffie wasn't even in the mood to break Squall out of his pointless faux-Shakespeare monologue at that moment. Her poor little brain had been overloaded with a lot of crap she didn't want to experience in the ten minutes or so that she'd been conversing with Leon. It sucked. How was she meant to bear this? Leon couldn't like her. She liked Cloudy, God of Sex. But Leon was pretty cute. The scar was a bit...blah, but who cared? Not her. And he wasn't as hot as Cloudy, God of Sex – OK, so Yuffie had a bit of a thing for blonds – and he didn't have Cloudy, God of Sex's gorgeous glowy eyes, but he wasn't a bad specimen. Actually…

_Mmmmm...Leon…_

"Yo? Leon? Mind summarising your pseudo-Shakespearian speech in a few words?"

"You're sixteen. I'm pushing thirty. Our love…" Here Leon gave a dramatic pose, "…can never be."

"But I'm twenty-four!"

It was Squall's turn to feel confused.

"What? We had your sixteenth birthday party last month."

Yuffie opened her mouth to explain how time was relative, and that there was a slight glitch in the Trans-Universe Warp Gummi 1.0 that Cid had made her test three days ago (from Leon's viewpoint), and that anything using black hole physics screws up time like a frustrated author screws up a piece of paper with a failed work on it, and that if it hadn't have been for Cid's ABORT button she would have been three hundred thousand years old by the time she completed hopping universes, but decided it was a little too technical.

Instead she just said, "Faeries."

"Faeries?"

"Faeries."

"Oh," said Leon, who now understood perfectly. "So our love is no longer a wrong love?"

"YOUR love is no longer wrong, you mean."

Leon lowered his head. "I'm sorry. I think I'll go talk to a wall - "

"NO! Anything but that!" Yuffie yelped. "Look, I don't fancy you yet, but I think you're pretty cute! That's a start, right?"

Leon looked around at her, his eyes uncharacteristically brimming.

"I suppose…"

Yuffie let an evil grin curl up the side of her face. "There's a somewhat worn-out red sheet in the linen cupboard, some bandages in the first aid cupboard, a dark blue turtleneck in Cid's wardrobe – um, you may want to bring a pair of scissors for the sleeves – some gel in the bathroom, and get a bottle of the bleach Cid uses for cleaning the grunge off his gummi ship – get some water from the tap, too, to dilute it a bit. When you've got all the stuff, come back here. I'll tell you what to do."

* * *

"You're WHAT?" 

"A demon," Cloud said, calmly. He leant languidly back in his chair and stifled a yawn. "Can we go now? This kid's starting to annoy me."

Aerith elbowed him, then turned to face Sora. "I know it's hard to take all this in at once–

"What did you say YOU were again?" Sora asked, in the parched tone of someone who can't be bothered to disbelieve anything any more.

"An ANGEL. Weren't you listening?"

Sora moaned and bashed his head against the table.

"Maaaaaann…this is stupid."

"You know, for the first time ever, I agree with the kid," Cloud commented, sipping lightly at the Olympian wine he'd ordered. Aerith sighed.

"It's hard to believe…isn't it?"

"No," said Sora, who was starting to think his brain was emitting smoke.

"Ah. Are you enjoying your food?"

"Yes," Sora said robotically, scooping up a mouthful of his food – a bizarre dish named _Oui Naymmo Tuh'd Fyhd Du Ghuf Fryd'c Bid Eh Drec. _Sora had thought the name sounded exotic. It tasted really good.

He began to think hard.

"Hey, waaaiiit. For an angel, you don't have many wings, Aerith," he finally concluded.

Aerith blinked. There was a soft rustle and a burst of loose white feathers as a slender, well-formed, bright white wing burst from her dress. (As it is obviously physically impossible to fly with only one wing, the only explanation for the lack of the other is that the Powers That Be thought that one-winged angels are really cool.)

Sora stared slack-jawed, revealing a lump of half-chewed _Oui Naymmo Tuh'd Fyhd Du Ghuf Fryd'c Bid Eh Drec _to any onlookers.

This turned out to be a bad idea, because a stray feather floated sedately down the currents in the air and into the back of his throat. He choked, emptied the glass of water down his throat, swallowed, choked again, and then stopped when Cloud, doing the first really helpful thing in this story, stalked up behind him and gave him a very intense, painful-looking Heimlich, resulting in a soggy-looking, food-coated feather hitting the table with a damp _splat_. Sora groaned, rubbing his ribcage.

"Aaaaow…Impressive, Aerith. Why only one?"

"I'm a One-Winged Angel," Aerith said, in a tone which meant _it's totally obvious to anyone but the most retarded of all retards._

"Why?" Sora asked, shovelling in more food.

Aerith paused. "Because."

"That's not a good answer."

"It is, because I'm your mother."

"And for a demon, Cloud looks a bit too…" Sora sought around for the right word, "a bit too…uh…blond."

Aerith gave a weary smile. "I know. He likes it, though."

Cloud ran his hand through his silky, blue-black hair. "Like it better like this?"

Sora glanced at him. "OK. How'd you do that? That's just plain weird."

"I said I was a demon," Cloud began. "My human form isn't my true form. Not being a human, I don't have a fixed human form and can change it pretty much at will."

"Then the hair – "

" – is just a fashion statement, yeah."

"Ah," commented Sora. "So, what's your true form like then? I wanna see!"

There followed a shocked silence.

"Believe me. You don't," Cloud said. His white, fanged teeth clinked gently against the wine glass as he drained the last drops. Sora shuddered. Cloud turned to face him.

"Are those fangs part of your true form and like you can't change them into human shape because you can't change totally into human shape?" Sora gibbered.

"Actually," Cloud said, drawing his fingertips together, "I _can_ turn completely into human shape. The fangs are just there to look cool."

"Oh."

"He's lying," Aerith proclaimed. "He can change almost all of his body, but he can't change his eyes. That's why they're all glowy."

"Oh," said Sora, who had long ago ceased being interested in this conversation.

"But anyway, we're celestial beings, and so we're blessed with eternal youth. That's why we seem so young. I just celebrated my four thousand and ninety one-th birthday two months ago. Cloud here's only three thousand, nine hundred and twenty-six."

Cloud pushed a strand of his new black hair out of his eyes. "God. It feels so weird having dark hair."

"I like your hair like that," Aerith said, not seeming to realise how superficial this fanfic was getting.

"Thanks. I still prefer being blond."

"I like it like that, too."

"Actually, if it wasn't for the fact I'm still offended by Sora's use of 'blond' as a negative adjective, I'd change it straight back."

"I know you would."

"This is a boring conversation."

"Yes."

They turned to face Sora as one.

"So…" Sora said. "If what you're saying is true – "

"– and it is – " Aerith cut in.

"– and you're my parents – "

"– and we are – "

"– and you are celestial beings – "

"– and we are – "

"– and you have eternal youth – "

"– and we do – "

"– and one of you is a demon and the other is an angel – "

"– My God, Aerith, I think he might have finally grasped it – "

"– then what does that make me, huh?"

"Can I say it?" Aerith asked Cloud.

Cloud turned to face her. "….Oh, go on."

Aerith looked sternly at Sora. "You may think that it makes you a freak, a mutant, a crossbreed…" she began, her tone dark and decisive in a way to put Cloud out of a job. "But in reality, demons are the essence of evil and angels the essence of purity…"

"Yuh-huh?"

"…So – you, the offspring of an angel and a demon…would be…would beeee…"

"Ah. Cheesy suspense," Cloud snorted into the palm of his hand. Aerith glared at him, and then turned back to Sora.

"It makes you completely, truly human. Never forget that."

With the pseudo-symbolism of Aerith's statement still ringing in the air, Sora rose.

"So. Great. When do I start my new life with you two, then?"

Cloud looked at Aerith.

"Now suit you?" Aerith suggested.

"NO! NO IT DOESN'T!!"

Aerith looked at the hyperventilating Sora and at Cloud, who was standing there looking bored, impatient, and badassly dark-haired. She then opened her mouth to say the worst possible thing.

"I'm sure that if we all work together and try hard to get along, we can be the happiest family in the multiverse!"

Fish's FIN

There's a really long author's note coming up, I warn you. Just I couldn't let you get away without hearing some of the really obvious things to avoid that I've made extreme fun of in this fic. Please listen, but if you don't want to I'll let you scroll straight to the bottom of the page and review…plee?

Well….OK. Let's get this party started!

Clichéd character descriptions

As you noticed, I put a little ™ or © sign next to certain phrases I see far too much. OK, so Aerith's laugh may 'tinkle like silver bells' but it gets a bit boring after a while. Don't be afraid to be original. If you're feeling really descriptive, describe a character's facial features in detail – just describing Riku's features as 'coldly beautiful' a million times gets quite depressing, so elaborating a bit never really hurt much. (If you want really clear description of an anime face (but described as if it was real), remember the three C's – chin, cheekbones and nose.)

Don't be afraid to change the characters' generally accepted physical canon if it suits you. If you want Cloud to be a peroxide blond, go ahead. (Oh, come on; in KH, he has roots down to his armpits.) Don't be afraid to make Sephiroth look less than perfect perfection (even though you may incur the wrath of the fangirls). Don't feel bad if you make Leon cut his hair a little shorter or make Yuffie grow hers out a little. It's not a sin.

Sora's Heritage

Unless your fic is AU, just…no. The age thing is the real problem with this. There's also the fact that, as Sora points out, it doesn't answer anything, but instead creates more questions.

Inconsistency

Unless you're writing AU, either have your FF characters from Hollow Bastion, or have them from their original worlds and write AU-ish-ly. Please don't choose both. In this, Cloud openly claims he's from Hollow Bastion, but he still remembers his experimentation in Hojo's lab – an element of FF7. Slip-ups like this are just annoying.

No Screen Time for Donald and Goofy

I'm not a fan of Donald and Goofy – well, not a fan of Goofy – but Sora befriended them, didn't he? They're important parts of the story. It just seems fair to give them a few lines, right?

However, in most Sora-themed fics I've read, Donald and Goofy aren't even mentioned. Just one line containing a reference to them couldn't hurt…

The Generic Hollow Bastion Romance Fic

Best explained in synopsis format.

Yuffie loves Squally, but Squally is moody and pays her no heed. Cloudy and Rithy are together and happy and possibly married and probably expecting, too. Yuffie angsts. Squally angsts. In a side story, Cloudy angsts about being possessed by the darkness – Rithy then comes and comforts him, which may or may not lead to a lemon sequence. Yuffie/Squally angsts, and possibly tries to kill her/himself. At this point, Ciddy/Sorie/Kairi/Rithy finds Yuffie/Squally alone and cheers her/him up, persuading her/him to admit her/his feelings. Yuffie/Squally finds that Squally/Yuffie feels the same way as she/he does, and this may or may not lead to a lemon. Then, the fic finishes, on a superfulffy note.

_FOR GOD'S SAKE!! TRY AND COME UP WITH A MORE ORIGINAL STORY, PLEASE!! _I'm not saying I haven't seen this kind of fic done well, but it gets boring after a while. That's why I made Yuffie into a bit of a Cloud obsessive in this – because I couldn't bear to write that pattern, even in jest.

More Inconsistency

Squ – uh, Leon – makes a reference to the relationship between Tidus, Lulu and Wakka in FFX, even though in KH Tidus was a thirteen-year-old, Wakka was fifteen (and lacking in the Chappu department) and Lulu just plain didn't appear. This isn't THAT bad. Squaresoft does this all the time. (Remember Zidane in the Alexandria weapons shop? 'I remember something about a guy with spiky hair who carried a sword like this.') However, if you do this, try and keep it to scenes which are merely comical and have no real implications for the plot. A one-line quip about TidusxYuna is alright – a character coming to a conclusion after hearing or being inspired by hearing the story of Tidus and Yuna isn't.

Really Bad Melodramatic Pseudo-Shakespearian Angst

Plenty of this around. Just because Shakespeare talks like that doesn't mean it looks good when you do. If it has more apostrophes than words, do some rewrites. _Out, damned apostrophe, out! Hell is murky – and I'll put you there if you write angst like this, thank you very much._

Bad, Phshakesperian angst_ - something wicked this way comes._

Older Yuffie

We all know how big a barrier an age gap is when writing certain pairings. It isn't that big a matter if there's a five or six year age gap, like Cloud and Yuffie, so then it can be safely ignored. But when there's a gap of ten years or more there needs to be a little bit of fast-talking to get around it.

Don't get me wrong. I have a weakness for the hugely unorthodox pairing Barruffie (That's BarretxYuffie – yes, I know), and that has an age gap of (shock) nineteen years. Age gap pairings aren't wrong, as long as they aren't paedophilia.

I've seen many ways of dealing with this. Some people ignore the age gap. That's OK. Some people draw attention to the age barrier, but claim that it can be shattered by True Love™. That's also OK. Some people set the fic a few years in the future, seeing as the age gap seems to get less important the older the two characters involved are. That's OK too. However, inexplicably making one character older or younger is just plain annoying.   
Ignorance is no excuse. Do a little research first if you aren't sure of ages. (For reference purposes - in KH, Cloud is twenty-two, Aerith is twenty-three, Yuffie is sixteen, Cid is thirty-two, Leon is twenty-seven, Selphie and Tidus are thirteen and Wakka is fifteen...as far as I remember. Square churned out some promotional artwork providing brief bios of the characters complete with ages, I believe. Go on Google.)

OMG OMG OMG SORA SON OF SPARDA OMG????!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!!!!???!!!!!11

The beauty of Sora, as admitted by Nomura himself, is that he's just a normal kid. Well, a normal kid with a keyblade, o'course. But making him the son of a demon/angel/brave, beautiful warrior/mysterious mage/anyone other than a pair of normal people destroys that image. (Here I did a double whammy.) It's also a really bad idea to use the excuse 'uh….they're demons!' to explain _everything_. It gets tired. It's fine for Cloud's wing or the Unknowns' glowing eyes, but not for everything.

It's like:

_Why did she fall in love with him? 'Cause he's an angel!   
__How can he fight like that? 'Cause he's a demon!   
__Why did he decide to do that? 'Cause he's a celestial being!_

Booooooo-ring.

Cloud's Hair

Everyone has a different theory on this. I've just noticed that an awful lot of people seem to really dislike it, and insist on fiddlin' with it. Nine times out of ten, Cloud's hair changes colour and/or style, and normally this is done before he is actually introduced to the fic. I'm not complaining – in fact, I LIKE people being original – but at least make it true to his character. If, say, he was going to sneak into somewhere heavily guarded, andshaved his hair short and dyed it black so as not to stand out as much, that's alright. He'd do that quite readily. He wouldn't, however, dye it bright pink and do it in a hundred weeny little plaits. Try and be reasonable.

Pseudo-symbolism

Everything has to have some kind of backward symbolism in fanfics, doesn't it? I love symbolism, but don't overdo it. Comparing your loved one to the sun is alright; it's not alright to say your loved one was the sun and you are the moon and can only reflect back their light and how you're both at opposite ends of night and day and how he is bright when you are dark and he stays in the brightness when you stay in the darkness and he looks like he's on fire and you look like you're made of ice and he blah blah blah fake symbolism blah blah blah. I'm not saying it can't be done properly – just that more often than not, it isn't. So, I'd suggest staying away unless you're really sure you can do it properly.

Please bear in mind that you don't need to take a word of my advice. Please do.

Anyway, thanks for sitting through all this (if you did). I'm sure that if you just think about the clichés you're putting down, the Kingdom Hearts fandom will be so happier a place.

Thank you and good night!


End file.
